Its okay . . .

After a good start with God many years ago, I let life’s storms and the words of others drive me far from his reality. I blew with the wind from the “He Doesn’t Exist” camp to the “If He Does Exist, He either doesn’t care about me at all or just hates me” camp.  I seemed to have landed in these dangerous territories without knowing what happened. As I look back, I can see it. Mostly it was well-intentioned words from churchy people who honestly could have no idea. Churchy people who were holding tightly to their religious faith that did not have a framework for true testing or trials that would bring tears to the eyes of Jesus himself. They said things like “If you had enough faith,” or “just speak the truth.” Well I spoke the truth and tried to work out some sort of faith but was still finding nights a place of torment and hell that very few could grasp or begin to understand. After a long season of “trying to do it right” and finding no relief or reprieve I just walked away all together. I may have even rebelled against the thought of God. All I wanted was some rest in the storms and others who made poor choices were getting it all. The prince and the baby, all of their dreams coming true. How else was I to interpret this in my heart that needed Justice to be the law? I interpreted it as maybe God is just a big puppet master in the sky. It all seemed arbitrary and hopeless.

Yet I continued to search to lean in to that possibility because I needed it to be true. Because I do remember the season that brought me to the Jesus road to begin with. When I felt like I had no faith, I was told that I did even in the search and the longing for this to be true. Of course that same loving friend later said “sometimes you just have to choose.” I had to choose to look for evidence of Gods heart just as hard as I chose to look for evidence that would keep me in the hopeless camps of disconnect. So once again I tried. Cautiously hopeful I will walk the road. I chose to see things differently. And its been 3 weeks . . .

I still struggle with sleep and the monsters that haunt me even in the daylight. But I am choosing to see God in the midst of that. I have put myself in a position to hear, even faintly through the chaotic noises of my life a father who loves me in a pure and beautiful manner.

And that is when I saw a new video in my head. I made myself go to lifegroup and prayed that God would reach beyond the walls that I had in place. I stepped onto the front porch as worship music played inside of the house to remove all of the physical distraction that I could. I looked up to the sky and tried to see beyond the clouds to the heart of Jesus. As I sat on the porch, eyes closed and head back, I spent a minute holding the hand of Jesus that reached down to me with patience, mercy and grace.

I saw a field of beautiful and delicate white flowers. They moved ever so slightly with an occasional breeze. A field of brilliant green adorned with these little white gems of nature. I then see a little girl about 5 years old with pigtails braided standing in the midst of this field looking around cautiously. Now I quickly recognize that this is not how the video is supposed to go. The little girls should be laughing, with a big smile on her facing, running care free through the field of flowers. But that little girl was me and she was far from care free. As I studied her, however I saw that she was holding the hand of a man.  I couldn’t see him other than to know he was a tall man that had a light about him. I knew it was God and I knew it was my Father.

As the little girls grasped the hand that held hers a little more tightly she began to take a few,slow, careful steps forward.  She used her free hand to run her fingers across the delicate flower tops and move them to the side as she moved forward. Then she would stop. Paused for a few moments she would look up to the Father, reassured she took a few more steps forward. There is no judgment from the father when she hesitates but a look of understanding. At times she removes her hand from his and he allows this but stands even closer by. But when she offers her hand up to his he holds it tightly again. He journey is slow and a little unsteady at times. She pauses quite frequently as fear grasps her heart and she removes her hand from his but he always stands by.

This was a beautiful picture of my new season of joining back with the hand and heart of God. I don’t trust always. It is hard. And the picture of who God is, is often contaminated by words that have been perverted by those who were supposed to love me in the past. But my Father is kind and patient. He understands and looks on with love that sees me as He created me. He tears up when I try to let go but he stands by my side. He understands the fear that weighs down every step and the perversion that I walked in through my childhood. He cries for the little girl who learned that love and trust and pleasure are dirty and evil things.

That is the Jesus I long to grow closer to. The Father I long to know and walk with all the days of my life. I have failed and will continue to do so. But he will stand by and be that home that my heart so longs for. May my heart let go and open as he reaches in to give me a new heart to replace my heart of stone. (Ezekiel 36:26)