Just a little something to collect my thoughts. Just a little place to be real. Life is sweet. Life is hard. And life is everywhere in between. This is where i share pieces (sometimes very raw) of this journey that is my life . . .

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Zero to Crazy


Zero to crazy in 3 seconds flat
That’s my name and game
You don’t understand
Well you don’t want to see either
It's my lot in life
So don’t walk beside me
Just walk away
I don’t want to hurt you
Only me
One day I will be gone and then it will be safe.

The truth is
Its not really about my father
Or my mother
Or my aunt or grandmother
Its not about the abuse or not being wanted
Its not about friends or family
Or about anyone else in this world

Its about me
Its about being chained
To the person you hate most in the world
24 hours a day 7 days a week
The only escape is sleep
Although sometimes not even then
The pills bring a comforting blanket
Of numbing sleep
The alcohol a short trip from my reality
The razors are truly two sided
It numbs and releases the pressure
Empties some of the gross inside of me

Its about me having no inherent value
Worthless to the very core
No amount of external accomplishment will ever change it
The superficial words from friends only taunt me
When I am left home by myself
Alone
I understand though I only cause trouble
Im not enough and never will be
You say not to say things like that
But I would like to see you
Try to be me

Now I log on to the suicide hotline
Not knowing what to do
And even that 20 minutes later
Leaves me high and dry
What does it mean when
You cant even get the suicide hotline to talk to you
I don’t blame them
I think I should die too
I hate me more than anyone in this world
Why shouldn’t you

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