#fatkidproblems
#doitanyway
January 1, 2014. Another New Years Resolution. The
difference was that this resolution lasted. January 1, 2015 I was still working
along. I hit my final goal weight for the year December 20th or so
and was feeling proud. 65 pounds in a year is something to be proud of. Done
the right way with hard work and eating right. The first time I have ever done
it this way. People around me saying they are proud of me, how great I look and
even that I am an inspiration. One girl that I met at Camp Gladiator even said
I was pretty, another girl says I am photogenic. I loved it. I hated it. I
didn’t know what to do with those kind of statements but I knew I was making
progress towards a healthy weight and I was feeling better. The facebook and
instagram posts proclaim the progress and effort. Initially for accountability
for myself evidently they are now encouraging and inspiring others.
But what is not on instagram or facebook is the truth behind
the past few weeks. I went on a cruise and had fun and was more relaxed with my
diet and exercise and that is okay. But with hitting that goal weight I haven’t
been back there this year. A month in and I have done nothing but gain weight.
I know about muscle vs fat. I know the scale isn’t everything. But I feel my
clothes fitting more appropriately when they have been ridiculously too big. I
am discouraged. I want to give up with the understanding that I will always be
the fat kid. I didn’t set out with a goal to be skinny or small I just wanted
to be overweight versus morbidly obese. So here I am. I still run because I
have a half marathon just a few weeks from here. I do Camp Gladiator because
its what I know to do. I look online for answers and contemplate a doctors
appointment because surely something is wrong. But the bottom line is I just
want to sit here. I want to fall into a ball of melted frustration. I want to
throw a temper tantrum like a child with a right to. I have done the hard work
and my body betrays me. I have been given all of the answers and done all of
the work for what. I have every right to quit and just hope to maintain this
window of weight my body seems to like.
Today I didn’t run. I didn’t go to camp gladiator. I gave
myself permission to be frustrated. But I didn’t quit. Tomorrow will be a new
day. Maybe even this afternoon or evening. Maybe next week. I have come too far
to quit now. I wish I knew the answer, I would do it. But since I don’t and in
the meantime I will do my best to take care of me and let my body do the rest.
I have to learn to trust my body and its processes. I have not been to nice to
it over the years and it has been patient with me so now I must be patient with
it. I will treat it well. I will fuel it properly with the food it needs. I
will remember food it not the enemy and I will remember all that I am asking of
it.
#fatkidproblems
#doitanyway
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