New Years Resolution . . . Looking Back

One Year. 365 days of making many choices. Some towards my goal, some away from my goal. In it for the long haul. Painfully slow and not always steady. Ups and downs in life correlate with ups and downs in this process. 65 pounds. 6 pant sizes. Many miles on the journey. I decided much like every year to lose weight this year. I am embarrassingly overweight and out of shape when I make this decision. But I would try again. The process actually started a few years ago, I just did not know what was occurring. In another attempt to get in shape I had joined a gym. The trainer suggested I should join a class in this journey. Day one I decide to try out Zumba. I creeped into the back corner of the room and made judgments about the Barbie doll blonde who led the class with huge smiles that were vomit worthy. I then walked out halfway through the first song. Negatory. But being true to who I am in every other area, I tried again. It was a little better and after a few classes the instructor had learned my name. It may seem silly but that was important. I felt like a little fat kid wandering aimlessly, never seen in the crowd and she knew my name.

I began to work out less and less at that gym after being invited to a church where this instructor (and the blonde that I didn’t like in the first class) taught classes. As a fat kid its just easier. Gyms are overwhelming. I don’t know what I am doing and all I see are the super fit people who are clearly looking down on me. Now of course I recognize they have a million other things they are probably really thinking about but it didn’t matter because in my head they were judging me. I have been judged before and am not willing to let strangers do that to me. But this place was different. Total strangers were friends. I became a part of this group. And I found success. The name has changed since then to ReFit Revolution but the feeling is still the same. I can do this. I can be strong. I am able to do more than I ever imagined.

Now keep in mind this has been a few years back. And in each of those years I yoyo’d with the best of them. I will give some of that credit to a lack of sleep, insane schedules, and holes that I filled with food. I will also give credit to fear that people would see me. But this year I turned thirty. I was three months into my New Years Resolution and making slow progress when I had a breakdown. I didn’t want to be thirty. It wasn’t so much the number as much as it was being very single, having no children or family and feeling completely unaccomplished despite however many degrees I had at that point. The night before thirty however, I decided that really it was a good thing. Yes, I still have those desires and my heart hurts sometimes when I see what I want but don’t have. But my first decade of life was filled with traumatic events that told me I was nothing. Where food was not always guaranteed and neither was love from the only people in the world who were “supposed” to love me automatically. The second decade was more of the same with the insult that leaving home and moving away would not alleviate the junk that I carried around. The previous decade did show change but I fought battles for my life on many levels and found my lowest of lows. So this was and is the first decade that I can choose to live a healthy life both physically and emotionally. I can choose to no longer let others dictate what I could have and be rather present or not. So I chose to make this year something grand. I will begin a transformation process this year that will be the picture of this new decade.

So that is how I stayed on my News Years resolution well beyond what most people achieve. I recently learned that only 8% of Americans see their New Years resolutions through. I have ben asked how I have done it. How my picture from the beginning of the year looks significantly different from todays. I’d say the answer to those questions is complex but here are a few things . . .

First, I would say, find the right motivation. I tried to lose weight to please others previously. For my peers who jeered at me. For the boy I dreamed would come be my prince. For my dad who I had hoped to meet. And for my mom who I had hoped I would one day please. But doing it for anyone but myself was unsuccessful. I cant do this for how I will look either but for how I will feel. I wont ever be skinny! I do believe genes have some to do with our shape and fighting against that will be unsuccessful. But I want to be healthy. I want to be an athlete and I want to feel strong.

That is where the mantras come in. I have been learning to watch what I say. Note that is still in process. I have always played sports. Soccer is the love of my life but if there is a sport I can jump in on I am there. Always have been. But then my friend made a comment that involved me being an athlete. That concept hit a steel wall backed to a brick wall with another thick layer of steel. I had never considered myself to be an athlete. In fact it was something I always dreamed about but never saw. One of several things that have changed about what I say this year. A physical thing that I am doing differently is “running.” This started in April. A last minute decision and support of CareNet, an organization that I support had me behind a start line of my first 5K, the next morning because I happened to be off. I have never had any desire to do the work it would take to be a runner and I had a strict definition of what that meant but I ran in that 5K with changing goals as I went along. And then I walked when I was tired. But I finished and not anywhere near that back (also nowhere near the front!). The reality of that day is nowhere as pretty as I present it but that is for another day! But I began to do these intervals of running and walking. I didn’t know what to call it though. I wasn’t walking but in my head I didn’t dare say I was going for a run. That painted a picture in my head that was nowhere near what I was doing. Even on long runs where I do up to 7 miles at this point I fight that battle. I am my own worse judge and the reality is I run. Usually 3 times a week. A short run is 4 miles. I am a runner. Even if I don’t look like runners who have been doing it for all of their lives. So watch what you say to yourself.

I also post on instagram with two mantras that started the day of the Human Race, CareNet run. #fatkidproblems and #doitanyway. Now the first one might be offensive to some but the reality is I am fat. Putting other, more PC names on it is more offensive to me. And frankly, doing the things I am doing are much more difficult carrying an extra 100+ pounds. Not to mention I cant do it cute because there aren’t cute fat kid work out clothes. (But again for another day.) I wont go into the details but if you are larger you know what I am talking about on the difficulties. To me #fatkidproblems means I am strong. Because I am doing something that is hard enough for anyone but extra hard for me and I am pushing through. Then there is #doitanyway. I know close to Nike but so much more for me. This again goes back to the Human Race. I got to the packet pick up and had every reason to quit. I was anxious, worried id have to call a friend to pick me up, embarrassed to be the fat kid out there and on and on and on. I even went back to my car and considered leaving. I have reasons to be unsuccessful. I have two bad knees, genetics and a history that some question how I am even alive today. So that day and every day I have to choose to #doitanyway. When I know an easier, although unhealthy way I have to choose to do it the right way. When I think I cant, I have to choose to do it anyway. When its something the doctors say I cant do (with some wisdom) I have to do it anyway. When I have reached the max that I think I can do I have to choose to push beyond that and do it anyway.

I also did my research. What I hear and read over and over again . . . you can not out exercise a poor diet. But I also knew that to succeed I had to have occasional cheats or I would not last a month, let alone an entire year. I also learned to be smart about cheating. Watch your portion size and eat that cheat meal early in the day. I have not cut out a single food group because I believe that it is important to get the five food groups. I did initially cut out all sodas but now have one probably once every month or two. I also watch portion sizes. It was very enlightening what I originally thought was a portion compared to what a portion really is. I didn’t by expensive scales but did use the comparative deck of cards, fist, etc for portion sizes. I also have been working on snacks. There is always controversy in this area but for me I tend to not eat enough calories so my metabolism is creeping. But having raw almonds, for example provides fuel, energy, protein and fiber; which are all important on this journey. I am working on truly knowing that food is fuel and not my enemy as it has been for so long. The thought out there is that the fat kid just eats pizza and fried chicken and sits on the couch. That has never been me but I took that on and created a fear of food. I am learning that I have to fuel myself properly or the workouts will not be effective. Cutting calories severely will not do it and any results you see will not last.

You must also focus on getting enough water. It’s a lot more than people realize. I can clearly see more weight loss correlate with weeks that I am better about my water. Plus they say it makes you look younger. Our bodies are something like 90% water people, so drink up! Track everything that goes into your mouth as well. I use MyFitnessPal but there are a ton of options out there including old fashioned pen and paper. This one is a little difficult for me because I like to stay stupid busy but its very important. I usually do well for a while before falling off of the wagon but I climb back on after a while of being down. For that and every aspect of this process that has been true.

I have changed a lot physically and am still on that road but what is important to know is that transformation starts from the inside. I had to be worth it. I had to learn to start loving myself. And I had to decide I wanted this more than those things that were holding me back and telling me who I was.