Mid Life Crisis

It has been almost a year since i last stumbled onto this place . . .

A week or so ago I found myself to be in a mid life crisis of sorts. At 29 years old. I have two Social Work degrees and am only days away from graduating with a nursing degree. The plan after that, keep going until I have obtained Nurse Practitioner. But in an instant I find myself questioning if this is even what I want. As my friends discuss graduation excitedly I cringe and divert the conversation quickly. Don’t get me wrong I love what I get to do as a nurse but the revelation that I was chasing something from my past instead of my dreams was a heavy one.

Coming from a place of not ever feeling wanted or enough I subconsciously found myself striving to be something. My path- education. This began to creep into my awareness a few months ago as I finally started to deal with the grief and loss related to the death of my father. Its seems like just one day out of nowhere I was crumpled on the floor with no motivation or direction. No desire to keep pushing through. It took a while to understand mixed with the wisdom of some amazing friends to understand this. I was striving to do enough and be enough that somehow this man would want to be more than a stranger. To be a father.

Throughout nursing school I contemplated how I would tell him I was graduating. Wondering if he might really come this time. And now I knew. He would not be at my graduation now or ever because he was gone from this world.

So now that this tangent has been addressed, fast forward a few months and I find myself with less than 100 days until graduation. I am about to conquer yet another mountain. And yet this isn’t enough either. I am not enough and I am not even happy about the thought.

Then someone comes up to me to ask about my dreams. Dreams? What dreams? I have buried them so deep down that it takes a while to retrieve what is referenced from the recesses of my mind. What seems like a lifetime ago I was encouraged in some things I wanted to achieve and do with my life but they didn’t have nice neat steps, education programs or diplomas. So I didn’t know what to do with them. The dreams of writing and singing and reaching others with my story. Of course there was the dream of playing soccer professionally as well but that one I think is safe to let go and be content playing at almost 30 in a recreational league. So I placed those dreams securely in a suitcase locked up tight and in the back of the closet. A layer of dust keeps the time.

I began to ponder this. I am too practical to be one that chases dreams. If you know me, you know this. I am a big dreamer but I keep those things in bubbles over my head. How does one go about chasing such an abstract thing. To write. To sing. To speak. I don’t have all or even many of the answers. But one thought came to mind.

Start writing again.

Rocket science huh!?! I have a computer and ten fingers. And as nursing school begins to wrap up I am even finding myself with a little spare time. I am not writing a book but I have a blog. A long abandoned blog that has only a handful of followers. Of course I haven’t invited anyone to follow but lets not get too wrapped up in the details. But I can write and have the opportunity to do so.

No I am not publishing a book but as I searched for a step to take this seems like a very good start. So I am challenging myself to write. To post something on the blog. I want to say every week but I wouldn’t hold my breath. This is going to take practice and discipline. Yet another important step in achieving your dreams. So the challenge for me is to write. What is the challenge for you?