Too Close to Home: In Light of a Tragedy

It was about 6:15 in the evening on Wednesday, April 16, 2013. The residents of small town America, West, Texas were coming home from work, sitting down to eat dinner with family, going to TBall games. Just another day in a town of 2800 close knit residents. Little did they know their lives were soon to be changed forever. A call came in to the Volunteer Fire Department. A small fire at a fertilizer and grain factory near the heart of town. Men got up from their tables and what they were doing to attend to this fire after their own long days of work. Hugging children on their way out the door, no one could know that this would be the end. Thirty minutes into fighting the fire an explosion could be seen and felt in nearby towns. A warning and sign of tragedy in this small heart of Texas.

            In the minutes and days that follow we see an outpouring of grief but also hands reaching out to loved ones and strangers. Being from a large metroplex area this was an interesting sight to see. People ran to the site instead of running away. Nursing students nearby looked for opportunities to do something. Anything. I went into work in the early hours of the morning to relieve tired workers. A young mother of two in ICU in respiratory failure from driving in the vicinity. Somehow this respiratory failure was different than the other patients. She was young, healthy and unsuspecting. It is very sobering to realize she had no idea minutes before this her life was about to drastically change. Two days later, while working in the Emergency Department repercussions were still being seen. It was a heavy sight, burdensome. What a blessing, however to be a part of the help and recovery in some, although small way.

            The culture of this small town has continued to flow and has rippled to areas further out than one would imagine. This seems to be a southern or Texas culture. More specifically a rural mindset. I think about previous travels through small towns and country areas where anyone you passed on the road would wave at you. The first few times I saw this it blew my mind. I learned, however as I spent time in these areas that the definition of neighbor was far more than just about physical location. As I had the opportunity to assist with a blood drive at Providence this was very apparent. People came pouring in. Carter Bloodcare had a line that wrapped around the shopping complex even in the cold rain the following day. Providence had over 350 people within 30 minutes of the blood drive opening. All wanting to help. There were young and old, every race and ethnicity. Neighboring High Schools were allowing students to miss class to give and they came. Then a group of high school students from West walked through the door, wearing their black and red. The room was quiet and one could see the weight that they carried on their shoulders. Some lost nothing, others just windows. One lost not one but two homes and another a family member. All had lost friends and their sense of security. In the midst of that however, they were there signing on the line to give blood. One young lady responded to questions with tears flowing down her cheeks and the pack of students that came in together, with no thought, drew even closer to this young lady. This is a community that defines unity and that is a different culture than some larger communities.

            This has been the primary grieving process that I have seen but I also have an awareness that this grieving process is only beginning and that there is a long road of recovery ahead for the residents of West, Texas in addition to those who have lost loved ones through this terrible tragedy. Another side of grief however, is already being noted as well. Anger. This has been seen directed towards the owner of the fertilizer plant, and the first responders themselves to a degree. Because as a society we tend to want answers and explanations as to “why” this happened both have been attacked. Other aims have been at the location of the plant and the schools. Those who can’t seem to healthily grieve seem to be throwing fiery darts at such topics.

            An important consideration to remember is that it was not just the 15 lives that were lost that are being grieved. There were hundreds injured. Some of which are still fighting for their lives. Others have injuries that the will carry for the rest of their lives. One young gentleman in the Emergency Department was seen for severe headaches. Nothing physically touched his head in the explosion but the pressure caused a brain injury and he has lost his hearing. Others lost all of their material possessions and although we tend to downplay those losses in light of death they are real losses none the less. Some also lost the beds they sleep in at night and the security of the roof over their heads. Then there are those who seem to have not lost anything but each of these residents have lost that inherent sense of safety which will take time to recover.

            There was no time to prepare. There are both positive and negative aspects to losing someone suddenly versus anticipating a death and having anticipatory grief. Neither can be placed about the other, they are both difficult but the level of shock associated with a sudden death, especially in this manner does tend to make grieving more difficult. Its as though it adds another step or layer in the process. When one anticipates a loss there is time to say what needs to be said. You can say your good byes and make peace. But it’s a painfully long process. There tends to be more “what if’s” with unanticipated death as well which, if focused on too intently, can cripple the grieving process as well. The losses endured by the residents of West are far reaching and complicated at best. Intertwined in that is a plethora of other emotions and the complication of multiple losses. After seeing the responses thus far however I am reminded of a quote from Helen Keller, "All the world is full of suffering. It is also full of overcoming." It may be a long road but we are a resilient people.

            The opportunity for a community memorial service also illustrates the level of community among residents in the “Heart of Texas.” People there were friends, families and strangers. It speaks of our need as humans to have closure. To draw near to each other and stand together. Even with all of the hatred and murder seen recently, at the core of our existence is this need to stand together. Many of the people that were killed in the blast will be unable to have an open casket which is important to some people for closure but the already evident resilience will be what helps them through the process. Some people rely on their faith, others on knowledge and coming to an understanding and yet others will be unable to move on for a while. This memorial service is just one way that people in our culture as Americans begin the process of pulling the frayed edges of the torn holes in our lives together. With this the quilts that are our lives will be forever changed but can again become functional and in time beautiful.

            Although I did not lose any family members in this process I did learn of  people that I know or have some sort of connection to that lost their lives in this tragedy. It has been sobering all around and deaths or not this has been a heavy situation for me personally even as I sit on the fringe of what has occurred. When I returned home from work and the blood drive the next day I was beat. I was physically and emotionally wiped out although encouraged to be a part of something so positive in the helping process and to see so many people reach out. I also had to go through a personal process of evaluating how often I take things for granted. People in West had no idea what was coming that day and neither do we. Yet we tend to take for granted that we will get where we are going safely. Despite not being a very emotional person this did affect me. When I got home from my second day at the hospital all I wanted to do was hug my friends and I did. And the tears flowed. Not for any personal loss but for what I had seen.

            Fortunately we do not see tragedies of this level often but if it were to happen again, I will never forget what a “Code Green” means. I will be prepared for responding to that as a professional; as a nurse. But this also has reframed how I will respond to other patients. Regardless of the reason that they are there it is frightening and a personal tragedy oftentimes. It is just as frightening as feeling the shake of an explosion at times. Those patients are grieving as well and often don’t get the attention and support that those who have endured the West tragedy do. This will help me to keep in mind that although I may have a million things to do as a nurse, it is important for me to be there for my patients.