Beautiful

I love that God loves us in such a personal way. I love that He loves us even when we resist it and pursues our hearts in ways that go above and beyond what it takes. That even when we should just trust his word He knows we are stubborn and keeps telling us in the only ways we could ever get things through our thick heads! Our God is a personal God and He wants to meet each of us exactly where we are. I love that in the story of the Prodigal Son the father was watching for his son and ran to meet him when he could only barely be seen from a far distance. Such a beautiful example of how God loves us. I know I have been on many occasions the prodigal son, turning my back and walking (sometimes running) away from the father who has all that I need. Sometimes in pride and sometimes in shame. But ALWAYS, He is watching and waiting for me to turn my face back to Him and then he runs towards me with open arms.

This really is the story of my life on many levels but most recently God seemed to decide I had to hear from Him on the matter of beauty. Im not saying I am the most hideous beast to walk the earth but I typically feel close. Sometimes it is more on the level of “I would be pretty if . . . ” If i lost a ton of weight and were not so fat. If my hair was prettier and not so thin. If my teeth were white and not shifting like they are. If this If that  . . . Of course those thoughts are on a good day because as a general rule I feel hideous and disgusting. I know the whole beauty comes from the inside out business and I believe it. But with that said . . . Still true. Yuck if you could see me . . . If you could really see me.

Enter God. Of course that is not accurate because He is always there its just a matter of if I bother to notice Him or not. Well, in His kind and loving manner He recently launched an attack on my thought life regarding how I look. Superficial or not it needed to be addressed and you have to start somewhere.

And it started at church. It was Easter Sunday, exactly one week after my estranged father that I had never met passed away. I couldn’t handle church so I went to hang out with the three year olds that a friend of mine was taking care of during the service that day. Before I sound insensitive or too insecure I understand “out of the moths of babes . . .” and that it didn’t really matter but a beautiful three year old in that church being raised by a mother and father who sit on the front row of church every week looked straight at me and said “Get out of here fat girl!” More than once and with multiple variations as I did not leave, might I add. Now again I get it she is three but it made my heart sad because If this is how a three year old responds when being raised in a loving Christian home, how much worse can it get. Now I recognize that my identity comes from Christ and not others, especially this little girl but it opened my eyes to just how much i needed God to work in that area of my life because it hurt.

But God had more in store. Did i mention that the little girl from church has a mother that is a fitness instructor? Because she did and I believe that kids learn words from their environment and that is what made me so sad. Two days later however, there was more to be said. From another little girl. Another daughter of a fitness instructor. I will admit i am partial to this fitness instructor but out of her eight year old daughters mouth were powerful words that I believe came straight from God. Keep in mind in this situation I have my hair pulled back with shorts and tshirt on ready to Zumba while previously it was Easter Sunday and I actually tried to look decent. Had a dress on and even put on war paint otherwise known as make up. As I checked in for my Zumba class this little girl turned to her mom and simply said “she’s pretty.” Unprovoked and when i was not even trying. There was something so pure about those two little words that even on my best day I could not refute.

Of course that was only the beginning. I guess God knows I am forgetful and that I listen to silly lies from the enemy. So for 6 weeks now I have been told by random people that I am beautiful or some variance of that on a daily basis. Now you have to understand that this isnt coming from friends . . . because they dont count. Or i find it hard to believe from them. These comments are coming from random people at the store who like my smile, from patients new and old and their families. And from little 98 year old women who just pause and look at me responding with a sweet smile and “ Honey you are just as pretty as a picture!”

Then something happened which prompted my need to write about this situation. What you need to know is that I dont look in the mirror. I know I wont like what I see so i just avoid going through that all together. On the occasions in which i catch a glimpse my heart and mind are filled with words far more hurtful than the 3 years olds comment about me being fat. But today . . . today was different. I accidentally looked up and caught a glimpse of myself in the rearview mirror of my car. I smiled and I could see it. Im still fat. My teeth still arent white but I saw a beautiful person looking back at me! I am so grateful for Gods heart that reaches out for us and does what it takes to meet us where we are. Be looking for it because His heart longs to do the same for you!