I am to blame

I am to blame

A miserable mother who didn’t want me, I am to blame

A little girl whose innocence was stolen, I am to blame

Sleeping behind the dumpster, I am to blame

Another epic failure, a dropout, I am to blame

Bleeding all over your reputation, I am to blame

The destruction of drugs and alcohol, I am to blame

Finding myself on the edge of this world and the next, I am to blame

Pulling myself up by my boot straps, I am to blame

Putting the pieced of my broken heart and mind back together, I am to blame

Fighting with my wife, I am to blame

Losing patience with my children, I am to blame

Chores undone at home, I am to blame

Fear and frustration at work, I am to blame

Utter exhaustion from the life I live, I am to blame

I have found myself far beyond the end of me. The depths of my core, I have reached into and depleted. The anxiety and fear. The stress and fatigue. The hopelessness of not knowing that there is enough of me. I am to blame. For so long I accepted blame for things that were not my fault. I hid them and carried them in the darkness. I made choices to punish myself and I was to blame. But eventually I had enough. I was too tired. I gave up. And I gave myself one last chance that took several years but I pulled myself up over and over again by my boot straps and made some forward movement. I have been blessed to have others to join me on my journey to walk by my side. I am to blame. I have hurt those beside me but I also have kept so many people on the outside. I make choices every day that lead to one thing or the other.

Now I find myself at the end of me again. For this, I am also to blame. I wanted more. I began to dream of more than just my death. I opened myself to others and met my person. I fought for that relationship which involved and continues to involve a lot of fights. I am to blame. Our marriage has had to withstand a lot. I am to blame. Our family grew by three in a short period of time. I am to blame. Three little lives no one else believed in or fought for are alive today. We are to blame. Those same three little lives  make our lives practically impossible today. I am to blame. I have a career that I dreamed of as a child but let fall into the abyss. It comes with long days and nights. Questioning every little decision and being responsible for the lives of someones most valuable person. I am to blame. I can’t keep up with the house let alone doing all of the projects I want to do. I am to blame. I have everything that I have ever even thought to dream of or imagine. It is all too much. Its almost crippling. I am to blame. But as I cry out in desperation I realize that I am to blame. 

I have asked God to save me from myself and he never let me die. I asked God to save me from others, not at the time but after the fact. I asked God to take away the blame I took on that wasn’t mine. We are working on that. Turns out I actually had very little to nothing to do with being born. One day I will learn this at my core — For that I am not to blame. I did choose to cope with my life in every wrong way and for that I am to blame. I am to blame for hurting those who tried to love and care for me. 

I am to blame for this life that currently seems to be sucking every living thing out of me. For the things that leave me on my knees, hopeless, with nothing left to give but trying to give out of that nothing to everyone and everything that needs me. I am to blame. But with this blame I take responsibility for holding the hand of a mother trembling with fear. Telling her with all honesty that we are doing everything we can for her baby. And standing in celebration with that same mom for both small and big victories. The three toddlers that I can’t stand sometimes and would love nothing more than to not hear their little voices non stop, I am to blame. We said yes to each one coming into our home. We have fought tooth and nail to keep them alive and even thriving. We didn’t accept that they couldn’t do things like eating, waling and talking. I am to blame. I asked God to open or close each door to each family member— my person and partner in crime, and each of these three kids. I asked for doors to close if any of this life would be too much. I asked to not be accepted into my neonatal nurse practitioner program if I couldn’t do it. I walked eyes wide open into each of these situations; the very things that are too much right now. For each of those things, I asked and I am to blame. 

I am to blame for the hopelessness and despair in two seasons. One full of death and destruction. The other full of life even when it doesn’t feel like it. I asked for these things and I am to blame. My life and the lives of others are changed because of these things. I am to blame for the difficulties in this season and the inability to see the light at the end of the tunnel. When I have a moment to step back and breathe however I know . . . I am to blame. I opened myself up to something different. I am blessed to be used. I am blessed with an amazing family. I may not know how I will get through this season or the next. I have never been one to choose the easy road. I may need you to walk closely beside me. To catch my tears of fear, anger and sadness on your shoulder. But even when I express my frustration just know . . . it is incredibly hard and I have none of the answers. BUt I do know . . . I am to blame . . . and I wouldn’t have it any other way.