After two
weeks of giving in to absolute temptation in an attempt to avoid the pain that
consumed me at the time, I made the decision to stop. I knew it wasn’t right
but it was the best way I knew to cope. It didn’t help and I was just digging
myself a deeper hole to try to get out of. I isolated and hid in the dark and
the shame of the torment I was experiencing and how I was responding to it. But
tonight I flushed the remaining pills and said that no matter how hard it would
be, I was not going to turn to such things to cope because lets face it, that
isn’t coping. Its hiding and pushing pause on something that is already
bursting at the seams.
And tonight,
I felt every ounce of not having the numbing. My head hurts, my chest hurts, my
heart feels like it is pounding through my chest. Im hot and sweaty, then cold
and sweaty. But most of all, I don’t have anything on board to make me sleep. I
knew it would be hard but I lay down in the fetal position and began to pray.
After a solid hour (which is actually pretty good for me), I drifted off to
sweet sleep. I woke up in the same position. That also never happens. I was
wide-awake and ready for my day. I then looked at the time with some hopeful
anxiety to see that I had slept peacefully for an hour and a half. But I knew I
would just pray and return back to that sweet sleep. As I did, a song came into
my head. A song Im not sure if I have ever heard and if I have, I have no idea
when or where. I kept hearing “Bringing in the Sheaves, Bringing in the Sheaves
. . .” That is all. On repeat. After a while I decided to look up the song and
sure enough it is an old Hymn from 1874! The lyrics of the song are:
Sowing in the morning, sowing seeds
of kindness,
Sowing in the noontide and the dewy
eve;
Waiting for the harvest, and the
time of reaping,
We shall come rejoicing, bringing
in the sheaves.
Bringing in the sheaves, bringing
in the sheaves,
We shall come rejoicing, bringing
in the sheaves,
Bringing in the sheaves, bringing
in the sheaves,
We shall come rejoicing, bringing
in the sheaves,
Sowing in the sunshine, sowing in
the shadows,
Fearing neither clouds nor winter’s
chilling breeze;
By and by the harvest, and the
labor ended,
We shall come rejoicing, bringing
in the sheaves.
Going forth with weeping, sowing for
the Master,
Though the loss sustained our
spirit often grieves;
When our weeping’s over, He will
bid us welcome,
We
shall come rejoicing, bringing in the sheaves.
Being 100% a city kid, I had no frame of reference for
what a sheave was or what this song meant at all. Apparently it was written
based on the passage Psalms 126 in the bible.
A song of ascents.
1 When the LORD brought back the captives to
Zion, we were like men who dreamed.
2 Our mouths were filled with laughter, our
tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, "The LORD
has done great things for them."
3 The LORD has done great things for us, and
we are filled with joy.
4 Restore our fortunes, O LORD, like streams
in the Negev.
5 Those who sow in tears will reap with songs
of joy.
6 He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to
sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him.
This is a
song of ascent; it tells of the climb to the summit of a mountain, or its
highest elevation. Mean who began as captives and dreamed of life and joy and
freedom were brought to that place. They were filled with laughter and joy and
they saw that it was what the lord had done and celebrated. They prayed for
restoration and remembered the labor that brought forth the fruit. Sowing and
reaping is discussed throughout the bible but I found this interesting because
it is so common to say “ you reap what you sow.” This however tells of a
painful labor filled with sorrow though done out of obedience. How powerful.
Its okay that this is a season of sorrow and that pain fills my heart but the
labor is still to be done and obedience is expected and rewarded with a
harvest. The harvest brought both food, a basic need and joy.
I then
decided to look up what exactly these sheaves are. Again, it’s the city kid
thing! When grain is reaped, the sheaves are left for the children to gather or
for those who cannot handle the more difficult work of reaping the grain. I
love that God brought this picture to my mind because I feel so weak and frail
and like a child in the process of following God. Another interesting aspect of
sheaves is that they are carried in two handfuls. What a picture of what God
wants for me. Not the barren, empty hands that I see but both hands full to the
point of not being able to carry one more piece of grain. Finally there was
often an abundance of sheaves stored up and the children would run to horses
and donkeys of those passing by and offer that food to the hungry. In all that
I have seen and done I have hoped that one day it would have purpose. That it
would be used to help others. And here is this picture of feeding and blessing
others with my own abundance.
I am no
biblical scholar. And This could all be completely off base. But what I know is
I am in pain and feel tormented. In that I made the decision to return to
obedience and to the face of Jesus. And he spoke to me. He shared a song with
me. It spoke volumes and blessed me. He used something he created me to love to
teach me his truth when I was grasping for air to live and breathe. Its still
only 4 am and I have 3 hours until I have to be anywhere. I am still feeling the
consequences of my choices but Jesus met me here in this place and that must
not be forgotten.
And one last
word from Bill Johnson that I came across during this long night up . . .
“Faith
doesn’t deny a problem exists, it just denies it a place of influence.”
And this is
a place where I can stand in faith, where so often I hear Christians with the
stick your head in the sand and deny that anything is wrong stance that left me
hopeless.
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