In a mothers arms . . .

 Of all of the things I missed out on I think the hardest one was being held. I mean I was held but not like I wanted. I wanted those safe arms to run to when I was scared or hurting. To know that in those arms I was safe. You have seen it in movies, yes but you have also seen it in real life. When I little kid gets hurt or scared they run straight into the arms of their parents who wrap them up tight. Maybe that’s what I have been looking for all these years. But now im grown! Even if I found someone who wanted to do that for me, Im a bit to big for that. Yet that is still such a strong yearning in my heart. Of course I am fully aware that there is one who is able to do that- my Father in heaven- and I don’t discount that really but it just isn’t the same. Sometimes you just need Jesus in human skin.

Well today was thanksgiving day. The first thanksgiving since my father passed away as well as three very important friends in the two weeks or so prior to this day. Now I will give you that I never had thanksgiving with my father or any other day for that matter but somehow there was still an air of that wafting through my drive out to the country. This is also the first thanksgiving since I met the other part of my family. His other kids- or maybe im the other kid and they are the primary kids. Never mind the technicality of it- there are 5 of us total and I am right in the middle. I also met his mom. That is actually how that whole mess got started but the point is its been a big year with a lot of firsts this holiday season. Things I am so thankful for a and few that I would have preferred to not happen.

But this was not the first thanksgiving that I spent out in the country with my friends family. 2009 it all started I braved the invitation which I never imagined I would have done but four years later I am still here (and still learning names-but that’s for another time!) We usually play hard there are kids to chase and country to explore. Tonight something very different happened though. After all the playing and eating were done for the day I sat in a recliner to watch a movie with the girls. My friend, her mom and her two nieces. Before I knew what was happening I had a 9 year old in my lap. We watched a movie that came out when I was 3 years old, “Harry and the Hendersons.” For almost 2 hours this 9 year old was in my lap. Of course about half way through the movie she began to really snuggle and cuddle in preparation to miss out on the last half of the movie as Mr. Sandman swept her away and her little eyes gave up the fight to stay open.

She buried her head in my chest with my arm underneath her. It had fallen asleep long before the kid did but what can you do. Then one single tear rolled down my cheek (DON’T TELL ANYONE!!!). There was something so sweet and perfect about this. Of course that’s the only time kids are perfect we all know that but there was something more. My heart began to throb. First it was sad. All my heart has ever wanted was just this. The safety of loving arms that you could fall asleep in. Maybe I will never lose that desire but then God spoke to me. As I gently brushed her hair back he touched my heart with the most tender and gentle hand. Somehow holding this little girl was just as powerful as that desire to be held.

Now of course everyone holds babys. Especially when you are single with no children at my age. When you friend pops one out we all play pass the baby. But this was different. I am not even sure if I could tell you why. But what I do know is that was one of the most sweet and tender moments of my life. One that I will cherish forever and hold onto on those nights when I feel alone and want to be held.

I am not a mother, although most of the time I desperately want to be one. And in the past few months I have found that more and more difficult to believe in and less and less of a reality. But tonight I got to be those arms just briefly and do hope to be those arms one day for a child of myown.

Thank you Jesus.