Somewhere out there . . .

When I was a kid I watched an old movie called “An American Tale: Fievel Goes West.” I watched it again this year and realized the movie wasn’t actually any good but as a kid I wanted to watch it over and over again because of a single song that was sung during the movie.

“Somewhere out there”

Somewhere out there,

Beneath the pale moonlight,

Someone's thinking of me,

And loving me tonight.

Somewhere out there,

Someone's saying a prayer,

That we'll find one another,

In that big somewhere out there.

And even though I know how very far apart we are,

It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star,

And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby,

It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky!

Somewhere out there,

If love can see us through,

Then we'll be together,

Somewhere out there,

Out where dreams

Come true...

I used to sing my little heart out to this song. While I was singing that little heart imagined that somewhere out there was my father. In my naïve state I thought this was true about him. I grew out of the movie but not the song. A download on my computer and phone. And every once in a while, as my songs shuffled on my phone the song would play reminding me of my heart. This although he has now been dead for several years. Today as I went for a hike in a beautiful state park the song began to play and I choked back the tears that welled up in my eyes.

But then something happened . . . I heard the words again for the very first time. Could this be true? In reality I will never know but as I have learned about my father I realized how much I had a skewed perception of him. I wanted so badly for this to be true but in reality it probably wasn’t. His death left me with more questions than answers and maybe he did think of me but the reality is that this song was probably more a reflection of my heart than his. And while this may not be one of the most profound things I have ever written it has some truth behind it. Sobering as that truth may be. But the reality is my father did not want me. He made a mistake and had the opportunity to escape that until I turned 18 and tracked him down. After a short time of communicating it became clear that this song is not at all true. Somehow there is freedom in that.

And maybe there is a someone, somewhere out there for me. Maybe a new family and maybe something all together bigger than all of this that we can see. So I will let go of the somewhere out there that I longed for with my father and hope for something even better than I could have imagined.