It was a nice cool, spring night and it wasn’t supposed to
start raining until late Saturday night so I came home and went straight to the
fire pit. Somehow the fire dancing in front of me helped to relax the weight I
was feeling on my shoulders. Little did I know that this fire would be a way
that God spoke to me as I struggled to believe he was real but knew I had to
trust him in this time where poverty fears were jumping up and down on my
heart.
After about 30 minutes of sitting by the fire I noticed a
cool wet drip on my face. And NO I was not crying! Every minute or two there
was a cool rain drop hitting me. It wasn’t enough to phase the fire initially
but over time the drops increased with frequency and size but I wasn’t ready to
let go of the fire. I added fuel and stirred the fire. I paid special attention
to tend the fire and was no longer sitting beside it but standing over it.
Partially to poke at the embers but also because the temperature was dropping
and I was wet. The warmth of the fire was nice and was worth standing by even
after a 12 hour shift at the hospital where I had racked up about 7 miles of
walking up and down the hallways. But what I saw was that despite the rain
falling down more and more steadily, it continued to burn strong and bright as
long as I continued to add fuel and carefully tended to it.
But as I said, I was tired. And I was mulling over the rain
that had been falling in my life most recently. So I sat back down as the rain
pounded on the roof of what was left of my metal shed and soaked through my
clothes. But I love rain and I sat there trying to let it wash away the weight
and fears I was feeling. I was in another world when I looked up and the fire
had diminished to a small flame that was soon to burn out. My focus on the
problems of my world took my focus away from the fire and it was no longer
keeping me warm. I stood to gather more fuel and work to revive the fire but
with my back turned the flame was extinguished with only a few embers
continuing to glow red as the rain continued to come down.
I was surrendering to the circumstances. I stood next to the
fire as the embers glowed knowing that the fire was done and it was time to go
inside. As I stood there for a few minutes, I suddenly gasped. The fire that
had been squelched by the wind and rain, and by my lack of tending suddenly
shot up three flames and began to burn again. It was nothing I did. It was not
because of the ideal environment. That infact was working hard against the
burning process. But it came back on its own and there was a thrill and joy in
my heart over something so small and silly. So I added more fuel and tended to
the fire. It then grew into a large fire that was pleasantly warm. It was much life the fire I enjoyed as I
worked the fire initially with diligence.
After a few hours, the rain continued and had soaked me
through and through. My fire was still burning bright but I was wearing out. I
had a night with very little sleep and had been up since 2 am that
morning. So I dispersed the fuel that
was maintaining my fire and poured water over the hot embers. I intentionally
ended the fire and walked away with a few red, hot spots that I knew the rain
would take care of as I watched from inside the house to make sure the fire was
completely quenched before I headed to bed. I walked away. The rain continued
to increase and pour over the hot coals. And hours later I look out to see
several glowing red spots still burning.
But eventually they were soaked completely and the red glow was replaced
with black ash.
As I considered this on Easter Sunday, I thought about how
much my experience with this fire had mirrored my experience with God. The fire
pit, itself came into my life from a place of not knowing what else to do with
the results of my ongoing “bad luck.” That is also how I began to seek out God.
I was at the end of my rope, my hope and even my life. So I reached out to this
God that others said made their lives so much better.
Initially I tended that relationship closely with my life
depending on it but over time I allowed the wind and rain to draw my attention
away from him. I found myself with enough distance from God that I saw him as a
reality diminishing quickly. I know that God doesn’t actually go anywhere or
change in his character but my ability to see these things does dissipate if I
am not actively tending to fuel my world with the truth. Sometimes I feel like
that is different from others. That my faith, such as it is, it too much of a
battle and that somehow that is a reflection more of a lack of faith than a
walk in faith. But we are not called to just sit by the fire and watch it but
to daily tend to it.
Then there are the times when I allow the defeat to define
who God is. I take my eyes off of him and look to the circumstances of my world
that I have to, in my head, figure out and address. My chasing of those things
and my focus on them draw me further and further away from God and into self
reliance. Then I get a glimpse of the fire far in the distance just as it seems
to burn out. I then walk through life
without the warmth of the fire and God in my life and struggle to make him my
reality. Somehow I just cant make it happen though. I throw my hands up and sit
back to shiver in my wet clothes. I sit in the dark and accept that as my
reality. The thing about God though is that he pursues me. He fights just as
hard for me if not harder than I fight for independence. And sometimes when we are not even looking or
trying, he lights a little flame in us when it seems impossible to survive. It
is then that we have to choose to fan that flame and fuel it or just ride it
out until it dies again.
But sometimes its not just happenstance that our fire for
God burns out. Sometimes we do everything we can to squelch it. I have been
there on more than one occasion. Sometimes because I don’t want to be seen as “that
person.” Sometimes because it is “too painful” to try. Sometimes because my “old
life” feels a lot easier. And frankly sometimes because it seems like trying to
trust God has left me with more questions than answers and my worlds reality
seems to contradict who God says he is and what he wants from me. But even spreading the embers, pouring water
on them and allowing the steady rain to drench them, there are still embers
that glow red hot, deep inside of us just dying to be fanned and brought back
to life.
So I don’t know what the pastor said as I braved church on
Easter Morning. But the good news is the walls still stood with me inside. But I
heard what God said to me about the fire that burns in our lives. I can expect
that I will still have times where I am not so good at tending the fire and
when I turn my back on it to focus on the unpleasant things but I pray that my
heart will continue to turn back to the one who pursues me and I thank God for
the spontaneous flames when I most need them!
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